Prom Night...

I'm gonna diverge a little from the pop culture ramblings to respond to a friend's post about high school prom. His argument (or rant) is that it's just a big nonsensical exercise. I find it hard to disagree. For every reason you give me that prom is a good thing, I can probably give you three reasons why it's not.

Of course, I'm a guy. Guy's aren't supposed to like prom. Even the ones who do, only like it because of what happens AFTER prom. They get to ride around in a limo, get wasted, and try to force themselves onto their dates. And they probably won't have to try very hard either (especially with that little pill they've got in their jacket pocket).

No, prom is all about the ladies. And from a girl's perspective, I guess I can see the appeal. It's like a precursor to the eventual wedding day. They get to have their hair done, play dress up with all their friends, cake six pounds of make-up on their face, and pose for a bunch of pictures with their glassy-eyed boyfriends. Then later on in the evening it becomes what their wedding night is SUPPOSED to be. After holding out for seventeen years and letting that jackpot rise, they finally give up their purity, not in a honeymoon suite, but a cheap motel room that stinks of vodka and weed.

Ah, young love. Quick, someone call Planned Parenthood, ASAP!

Oh, who am I kidding. No girls wait for prom night anymore.

Comic Stash...

Well, I've got a lot of stuff I'm anxious to do posts on. Like what I love about Robert Kirkman, why LA Confidential is probably as close to a perfect movie as we are ever likely to get, and why I think Jason Kidd, not Steve Nash, is the best point guard in the NBA. Unfortunately, I haven't had time to organize my thoughts well enough to get those things written yet. So, for now, I'm just gonna review my comic stash from this week. Now, since I work part-time at a comic book shop, I have the luxury of sticking my comics upstairs until I'm ready for them, which is why some of these are a few months old.





Thor #1:
(minor spoilers)
J. Michael Straczynski was given the task of bringing Thor back to life 2 1/2 yrs. after he died with all the other Norse gods in Ragnarok. I've been a fan of Straczynski's writing ever since his Rising Stars series, but he's a little inconsistent. For instance, the first 3/4 of Rising Stars was great, then it sort of unraveled as it came to it's ho-hum conclusion. His controversial run on Amazing Spider-Man has been hit-or-miss (but mostly hit). And while his Supreme Power MAX book was excellent, the non-MAX follow-up, Squadron Supreme, has been disappointing. Now he's got Thor.
In the first issue Thor comes back to life and... Well, that's it. That's all that really happens. Not much else to it. There's a lot of panels with little or no dialogue. Just Thor looking badass, him killing demons, or lightning striking. It took me about six minutes to read this thing. I'm not even sure how Thor came back. Apparently he just really, really wanted to. Also back is Thor's original mortal alter-ego, Donald Blake. A character I meet with almost complete disinterest as I've never read any issue of any comic in which he appears. Let's see if Straczynski can make me care about him.
The book was penciled by Olivier Coipel, a good, if not yet great artist. His artwork is the best thing about the first issue for sure.
I'll be back for issue 2, but hoping for a little more to sink my teeth into.


Ultimate Power #6:
Straczynski writes this one too, with awesome art from Greg Land. It's pretty much just 22 pages of the Squadron Supreme vs. The Ultimates (which is what I've been waiting five issues for now), with a little bit of gun-toting Nick Fury looking like one bad mofo. Also, a sweet little reveal at the end.


Ultimate Fantastic Four #37:
It's the fifth part of the "God War" storyline (only one more to go, woo-hoo!), and it's piss poor, just like the first four parts were. Okay, piss poor is a slight overstatement, but this story is lame. All the weird sci-fi science talk is mind-numbing. I have no idea what's going on, and I couldn't care less. The only reason I'm still buying this book is because I have a complete run so far and I'm hoping the next storyline will be worth reading. Otherwise I'd have dropped it about three issues ago.
The one good thing about this arc is that it introduced Ultimate Thanos, but he's not nearly as cool as his Marvel U. counterpart. Writer Mike Carey has done some stuff I've liked, as has artist Pasqual Ferry, but this just isn't a good creative team for "Ultimate Marvel". The Ultimate line should have only A-list talent on board for every arc on every title, and these guys just don't cut it.


Ultimate X-Men #80
(major spoilers)
Robert Kirkman's run on this book has been more than a little disappointing. I love the guy's Image books, but his Marvel work has been less than stellar. Things have picked up, however, since the "Cable" storyline started. This issue is the second part of "Aftermath". Aftermath of what? Of the death of Charles Xavier (bum-bum-bum!). Shocking, I know.
It's a pretty solid issue, overall. Scott, Jean, and Ororo find out they have inherited the school and all of the prof's stuff, Logan packs up his sh*t and hits the road, and Colossus goes to Emma Frost's school and rubs his homosexuality in everyone's collective face (I'm sorry, was that homophobic?).
Bishop (who was introduced in the "Cable" arc) seems to be taking a bigger role in the series, as he vehemently opposes Scott's decision to DISBAND THE X-MEN (bum-bum-bum!), and he might just be looking to start his own.
Oh, and that thing about Xavier being dead? No worries, as he shows up at the end of the issue at Cable's place, floating in a bacta tank (bum-bum-bum!).


Action Comics #851:
(spoilers)
I'd like to go on a big rant about how this "Last Son" storyline by writers Geoff Johns and Richard Donner with art from Adam Kubert has been a big disappointment, but I just can't. It's frustrating that the story is only on it's fourth part, about 9 months after the first parts release, but the issues that do come out have yet to let me down.
Having said that, this is easily my least favorite issue of the story so far. Most of it takes place in the Phantom Zone, and deals with Superman's attempts to escape from there. He interacts with some character (named Mon-El) I guess I'm supposed to know, but I haven't got a clue who he is. I assume he was a silver age guy that was wiped out during the Crisis On Infinite Earth's crossover back in 1986, but thanks to the annoying trend over at DC of bringing a bunch of that silver age stuff back into continuity, he's back. I've never read any silver age DC, but I've read plenty about it, and I think I can safely say IT BLOWS. I know all these DC writers grew up reading those stories and want to bring it all back, but come on, that sh*t was ridiculous. Yeah, I'm talking to you Alex "I take myself way to effin' seriously" Ross!
Anyway, back to the issue at hand. After the Phantom Zone stuff's out of the way, we get to see Zod, Ursa, and Non pretty much ruling the planet and being the god's among insects they should be. There's some cool interaction between Zod and his bastard child Christopher, and we get to see Lex Luthor assembling a force to bring down the Kryptonians (presumably so he can take over the world himself at a later date).
Adam Kubert's art is easy on the eyes, for sure, but something about his style has changed. I don't know if he's trying to look less like his brother Andy or what, but I prefer his older stuff just a little.


Countdown #44:
I dug 52. I don't know a single other person who did, but I liked it a lot. It's success led DC to keep the weekly comic thing going for at least another year with this massive mini-series, and so far all I can say is... Eh. It's certainly not bad, but I'm not hooked by any means either. So far the series main focus has been on Jimmy Olsen, Mary Marvel, the Monitors of the Multiverse and some Flash rogues. Let's look at them each one at a time.
Jimmy's been sporadically getting superpowers whenever he happens to need them. This is not cool. I don't want to see Jimmy doing anything but be Superman's pal. I can't take this red-headed, freckle-faced spaz seriously and I don't think anyone else can either. Jimmy and superpowers do not mix.
Mary Marvel is the best part of Countdown so far. She lost her Marvel powers during Infinite Crises and now Black Adam has granted her his. So, I guess she's turning into kind of a bad girl now. As I'm writing it, I'm beginning to wonder why this is so interesting.
The Monitors spend all their time debating. Remember that senate scene in Episode 1? There's one of the those in every issue of Countdown, only no E.T.
The two Flash rogues are actually the best part of the series, forget what I said earlier about Mary "I'm gonna have a two piece costume by the end of this series" Marvel. I don't read Flash, but it seems these two (Pied Piper and Trickster) are reformed, but they are still hanging with the rest of the rogues for some reason. This turns into a sticky situation when the rogues kill the Flash, and now the two reformed baddies are on their own. Oh, and one of them smokes pole.
Anyway, I'm about 2 issues from dropping this if things don't pick up quick.


The Authority #2:
The Authority have somehow managed to get from their world to the real world. Like OUR real world. There are no superhumans, and the Authority and all the other superheroes only exist in comic books. I know some people probably think Grant Morrison is a genius for this (and he is a genius, just not for this), but if it were anyone else writing it, everyone would think it's as lame as Jimmy Olsen with superpowers. Well, I can't just give Morrison the benefit of the doubt on this. I'm not digging it. But since it only comes out about every five months, I'll still be able to afford to see how it all turns out.

SALUTE TO CAPTAIN AMERICA...

The Sentinel Of Liberty.

The Star Spangled Avenger.

Captain America.

How can you not love Captain America? I've been a Cap fan for almost as long as I've been reading comics. One of the very first comics I bought was a somewhat silly little single story issue of Captain America, in which he ends up in Antarctica battling a giant ice worm. Man, I love that comic. Anyway, my appreciation for the character would slowly grow as I continued to read Marvel comics. He would guest star in other titles I was reading from time to time (Darkhawk, baby!) and every other hero always had such respect and admiration for the man, that it couldn't help rubbing off onto the reader. I mean, Captain America is basically just a normal human being with "peak strength, speed, and agility". Not bad, but he's not bulletproof, he can't fly, or lift a car over his head. Yet, this super-powerless hero was leading the Avengers. The most powerful collection of heroes on Earth (at least Marvel U.'s Earth). He's bossing Thor around! Captain America tells a living Norse god to jump, the god says "How high?". That is bonafide badass, my friend.



I'm not sure when I concluded that Cap was my favorite super-hero, but it was most likely after reading Infinity Gauntlet #4. Not only is this my favorite single comic book issue of all time (no, really), but it has, to me, the defining Captain America moment. Let me briefly set the stage:

The mad titan THANOS has collected the Infinity Gems, which have made him pretty much omnipotent. He has complete control over the universe. He's, for all intents and purposes, God. So, a largely unknown hero called Adam Warlock, a long time adversary of Thanos', has gathered a collection of Earth's greatest heroes to battle the maniac. The battle itself is largely a distraction, as the heroes of Earth have little chance of winning. This battalion of superheroes features a number of heavy hitters, like Hulk, Thor, Iron Man, Wolverine, Spider-Man, even Quasar (whose job description reads: Protector of the Universe) and many more. But who leads this fighting force? Captain America, of course! And the good guys fall like so many dominoes, one by one. Iron Man's head is ripped clean off. Thor is turned to glass and shattered. Quasar is evaporated. Finally, it's just Cap and Thanos.



Keep in mind, Thanos is now All-Powerful. Cap is basically a really athletic dude. Here's how it goes down, right after the second to last hero falls:



Cap: "It's not over till the fat lady sings."

Thanos: "Surely you jest."

Cap: "Never been any good at stand-up routines."

Thanos: "Or at organizing a cosmic assault, I see."

Cap: "We tried."



Then Cap strolls over and gets right in Thanos' ugly, purple mug.



Cap: "As long as one man stands against you Thanos, you'll never be able to claim victory."

Thanos: "Noble sentiments from one who is about to die."

Cap: "I've lived by those sentiments. They're well worth dying for."

Thanos: "THEN DIE YOU SHALL!"



How 'bout the stones on this man! I won't ruin how things turn out, in case somebody hasn't read it yet, and would like to, but just think about how much backbone it would take to stand up to the most powerful being in existence, when you are just a man. It made quite an impact on me, obviously.



Now I could go on forever about what makes Cap great, but I won't. I'll just leave you with this quote, which Cap made in a recent issue of Amazing Spider-Man (written by J. Michael Straczynski) during the Civil War event. To me, it elevate the character even higher.





"Doesn't matter what the press says. Doesn't matter what the politicians or the mobs say. Doesn't matter if the whole country decides that something wrong is something right. This nation was founded on one principle above all else: The requirement that we stand up for what we believe, no matter the odds or the consequences. When the mob and the press and the whole world tell you to move, your job is to plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth, and tell the whole world, 'No, you move.'"

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!

By The Way...

This guy is the sh*t.

Grandpa Jones?

So, production is underway on Indiana Jones 4, and I'm pretty excited about it. I know a lot of fans of the Indy movies are less than enthusiastic about seeing "Indiana Jones and the Ravages of Age", but I don't buy that Harrison Ford is too old to pull off the Jones character. And I don't want to hear anymore of this crap about replacing Ford with a younger actor, like in the Bond movies. No one else can wear the fedora! Harrison Ford IS Indiana Jones. Sure it may be a little far fetched that a guy in his 60's would be able to swing around on a bullwhip, but we all know that Ford is in the best shape possible for a man his age. Besides that, I'm expecting an experienced and more cerebral version of Indy, while the heavy lifting in the stunt department will likely be handled by Shia Labeouf, who is expected to play Indy's son. Besides, how can you doubt Steven Spielberg? The guy hasn't made a bad movie since HOOK. That's been awhile. I do have one issue that's bugging me, however. Sean Connery has declined to reprise his role as Henry Jones Sr. (Indy's pops), due to his current retirement status. He has been replaced by John Hurt.

Bullsh*t.

No. F*cking. Way.

John Hurt is a fine actor. I thought he was good in both HELLBOY and V FOR VENDETTA, but no one can replace Sean Connery (just ask Roger Moore). I really hope the script has been tweaked so that Hurt is playing Indy's uncle or an associate of Henry Jones, or something. Anything. Having said that, I still have faith in Spielberg, Lucas, and Ford, and I expect the movie to be a worthy addition to a great franchise. After this let's do 4 more!

Guys I Don't Like: Steven A. Smith

This guy's a butthole. I'm not sure how he got his job, or what his history is, but he's about as annoying as sport's analyst's get. He's well-spoken and articulate, but he's also loud, obnoxious, and overbearing. As far as he's concerned, his word is LAW! Do not dispute him, lest you incur his mighty wrath! I just want to hurl golf balls at his nutsack. That would make my day. He's like a black, mini-afroed version of Jim Rome. Those guys should get a show together so I can ignore them both at the same time. Here's one good thing about Steven A. Smith: He's a big fan of Shaquille O'neal. That's it. That's the only good thing I have to say about him. Screw this guy.

World War Hulk begins...

Comic book review time.

There will be spoilers.


First though, a little backstory. About a year and a half ago (give or take), four of Earth's most powerful heroes decided to solve the "Hulk problem" once and for all. The "Hulk problem" being that every few years the Hulk goes on a rampage of some sort that results in massive property damage, civilian injuries, and (presumably) loss of life. Actually, the only specific comic series I can remember reading that really showed how many people the Hulk unintentionally kills is a mini-series titled Startling Stories: BANNER. It was great, but I think it took place outside of Marvel U. continuity.

Back to the backstory, the heroes (Mr. Fantastic, Iron Man, Doctor Strange, and Black Bolt) send the Hulk into space on a rocket/starship headed for a planet with no organic life, where he can "live in peace" and not hurt anybody. Well things go wrong, of course, and Hulk ends up on a savage alien world where he's made a slave. This "epic" storyline , titled PLANET HULK, saw Hulk go from slave to gladiator to freedom fighter to emperor of the whole danged planet. Now, while this story was a big hit, I can't say I was overly impressed. It was pretty original for a Hulk story, but I've seen the slave to gladiator etc... type of story plenty of other places. Actually, I've never really thought the Hulk, as a character, lent himself very well to a monthly comic. Big, green, strong guy get's pissed and smashes stuff. There's only so much you can do with that concept. He's much better as the wild card of the Marvel U. Y'know, he shows up a few times a year to tussle with The Thing, or Wolverine, or Thor. Maybe get's involved in big super-crossover and the heroes throw him in the battle to beat on the heavy, and then the heavy knocks Hulk on his @ $ $, and the good guys are all like, "Oh, sh*t! Look what he did to the Hulk. We are SO boned." That's the role I think the Hulk best serves in. But, thankfully, I digress...



While a slave, Hulk sort of bonds with his fellow slaves (reluctantly), and they, eventually, overthrow the emperor. Hulk is made the new king and even finds himself a woman, who he quickly knocks up. Yep, things were looking up for Ol' Greenskin for the first time in a long time. And then...


Hulk had all but forgotten about the four A-holes that sent him to this world, and was ready to settle down and live out his days on that planet until the ship he arrived on blew the EFF up, nuclear style, kiling almost everyone, his wife and unborn babe included. I forget exactly what happened that made the ship blow up, because I was just ready to get the story over with at that point, but Hulk thinks everything is Richards and Co. fault, and he is ready to open up a can of American whupazz on them ASAP. The rest of Hulk's former slave/gladiator bud's (they call themselves the "warbound") survived, so they head to Earth on a stone starship (huh?), gunning for the Hulk's new worst enemies.



Overall, Planet Hulk was a decent story, and I applaud writer Greg Pak for trying something a little different with the Hulk. It was kind of uneven, and dragged a bit at times, but it was certainly entertaining enough. To be honest, though, I mostly kept up with it in order to stay in the loop while waiting for World War Hulk to get started. Whew. Now what was the point of all that? Oh, yeah, my review of World War Hulk #1.


Now this is how you use THE HULK. He's back on Earth for one reason: Smash.


The Hulk makes a quick stop on the moon, before hitting Earth, in order to get Black Bolt out of the way. Now, I've never been that familiar with Black Bolt. Long story short: He's the leader of a superhuman race known as the Inhumans, and they all live on the moon. He's a powerhouse, I guess, but his main power, as far as I know, is that his voice can shatter mountains. Literally. So, when Hulk faces of with this guy, I'm expecting it to be good. And it was at first, but most of the fight takes place off-panel.
LAME.
Not liking that too much. At all.
How did the Hulk beat him? It seems like he couldn't. All Black Bolt has to do is raise his voice a little and Hulk would fly off the Moon's surface. I would like to know how Hulk managed to stop Black Bolt from doing that, and it almost seems like lazy writing from Pak to "leave it to the imagination" or whatever. Anyway, that was pretty much my only complaint. After beating Black Bolt into unsciousness (or maybe he's dead, it's never specified), Hulk and his new mates arrive on Earth and give the citizen's of Manhatten time to evacuate so he can kill the rest of his enemies there. Iron Man recruits the "Secret Avengers" and The Sentry to help contain Hulk, but he get's first crack with his new, souped up, Hulk-Buster armor. I should also point out how much I like the way Pak used The Sentry. He really made it seem like this guy is Marvel's Superman. Anyway, the Hulk-Iron Man battle was pretty crazy, and penciller John Romita Jr. (maybe the best Hulk artist ever) makes Hulk look about as viscious as he has ever looked, as he smashes that armor of Iron Man's to pieces. So, with the exception of that off-panel fight, I was extremely happy with how this mega-event started off.

Four more issues to go...